The intricacy of family life can be too overwhelming to handle, but living by certain principles can make it manageable and desirable.
The first principle that governs family life is a covenant made in marriage between a husband and a wife. This covenant brings two individuals together to form a “third individual” with the same goals and pursuits. Each day, it is up to the individual to make the necessary sacrifices to meet the shared goals and purposes. For example, the husband wakes up each morning to work to provide and care for his wife (later children). He could choose to be a lazy bum who plays video games, but a marriage covenant reminds him that he must deny his carnal nature and fulfill his role in the family.
Essential to this bond is God; Christ acts as the third strand that keeps the unique individuals together when their desires and willpowers fail. He gives them the ability to say “yes” to the things of the Spirit and “no” to the calling of the flesh. When God is not the ultimate end goal of any relationship, it is bound to be futile; however, it is not always the case that both partners pursue God in the same way. This is not to discourage us because 1 Corinthians 7:14 reminds us that…
For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
Even the children receive God’s grace when at least one partner seeks God. This faith must be intentionally pursued and implemented to have effectual power.
The marriage covenant between a man and a woman acts like an island for the development of the family. This island is a stable ground for each family member; it gives each individual a foundation, an identity, a safe space, shelter, and purpose. Members can navigate the treacherous waters and always find the place we call home. If this island doesn’t exist, children grow up lost in the dark sea of this ridiculous world. Instead of swimming to this safe island, they’ll turn to drugs, sex, alcohol, crime, or anything that will give them a false sense of belonging.
In addition to the covenant made in marriage as the guiding principle in family life, there are four values worth implementing in raising a family together. These values progress in stages: covenant, grace, empowerment, and intimacy (Balswick & Balswick, 2014).
At the covenant or commitment stage, the emphasis is unconditional devotion to love and be loved. This is important because love is never based on a quid pro quo; it is not, “You meet my needs, and I’ll meet your needs.” It is not, “You do your thing, and I’ll do my thing.” It is a sacrifice made without any conditions being met. The best way to understand this is to experience what God has done for us on the cross. Ephesians 2:8-8 says,
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.
Relationships are much better and more meaningful when we don’t feel we have to return the favor. In this covenant of love, we unconditionally sacrifice on behalf of our partner and children.
A covenant to love and be loved leads us to a state of grace. In any relationship, especially in marital relationships, forgiveness is necessary. There are grudges, bitterness, and division where there is no grace. Grace steers us away from a legalistic relationship based on law.
Family relationships, as designed by God, are meant to be lived out in an atmosphere of grace, not law…On the individual level and the family level, law leads to legalism, whereas grace offers freedom (Balswick & Balswick, 2014, p. 12)
Grace offers us freedom in our relationships, and as Christ showed us grace, we cannot deny others of the same gift.
The third principle that comes from covenant and grace is empowerment. As parents, it is our role to…
Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old, he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6
When we fulfill this role, children will be empowered to act according to what we’ve taught them. They will not be swayed by empty philosophies or enticed by the pleasures of the flesh. They have a solid identity that allows them to act according to what they have been taught. Opinions or challenges do not hold them back because, as parents, we have helped them actualize their potential.
In a nutshell, empowerment is the process of helping another person recognize his or her potential and then reach that potential through one’s encouragement and guidance (Balswick & Balswick, 2014, p. 14).
This is such an important role that parents have, especially in the teen years. What children become when they grow up is determined by how we have contributed to their empowerment. If they lack empowerment, others act on their behalf, and their lives will be passive.
The last and final stage is intimacy. One of my favorite songs is by Tauren Wells called Known, and it is a good reminder of what intimacy means. Intimacy means to know and be known. It means to be seen as you are without masks or covering. When Adam and Eve were in Eden without sin, they had perfect intimacy with God; God knew them fully and wholly, but shame caused them to hide from God once they sinned. They no longer wanted to be known fully. Often, unworthiness leads to a lack of intimacy in relationships where shame is present. Within the family, intimacy must exist between the husband and wife and between the parents and children. For this to happen, each individual must communicate without fear of judgment or punishment. Communication is key. 1 John 4:17 reminds us of the power of love.
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
In Christ’s perfect love, we become fully known in our relationship with God, our spouse, and our children.
In a marital relationship where these principles are present, a family can grow in a healthy manner. Without such values as a guide, it is not worth pursuing a family because it is bound to lead to unnecessary pain, shame, and disordered lives. It leads to divorces, separations, and complex relationship situations.
The values discussed allow a husband and a wife to raise a family with one vision. Still, where such a vision is lacking, especially in the case of a divorce or separation, the best parents can do is set aside their individual needs for the children's sake. If this seems like asking for a lot, that is because it is. It is the definition of sacrifice; it means to look outward to meet the needs of others instead of inward to gratify our momentary pleasures. When all our senses tell us to do what we want, and the overwhelming majority of our culture encourages us to put our needs before that of others, we must resist and look out for the good of others, in this case, children. When we pursue our passions instead of making sacrifices for the family, terrible things can happen, like the man who transitioned because he wanted to be a six-year-old girl in Canada (which I covered in my last post here).
Setting aside me, myself, and I allows us to do what is best for our children even when we don’t meet eye-to-eye with our partner. Instead of our differences separating us, our shared goals of what is best for the children unite us. Our role as a man/husband and woman/wife joins us to meet the needs of the children. In any relationship, seeking the good of another is a classic sign of mature love. This kind of love is not easily attained, making it worth acquiring. The sacrifice and devotion we commit to loving a family member give us meaningful satisfaction that can’t be measured by any means. It is to experience God’s love and fulfill this meaningful pursuit that the family exists.
Ask yourself: How can I implement one of these principles into my family life?
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References
Balswick, J. O., & Balswick, J. K. (2014). The Family: A Christian Perspective on the Contemporary Home. Grand Rapids: Baker Academic.